the morning of november 6, I woke up happy because that was the day my PhD candidacy exam was scheduled for. i spent weeks preparing for it; i studied hard and worked hard, feeling proud and confident about my research. this exam is a big deal, and passing it is considered a huge milestone in my PhD program. i rolled over to my girlfriend in bed and told her 'i'm happy, today i'll become a candidate'. she smiled, but i could tell something was wrong. she had already seen the news and was trying her hardest not to bring it up. after i found out, nothing else mattered. i totally forgot what the point of my exam was and i suddenly didn't feel nervous or even worried about what would happen if i fail. in that instance, everything just seemed pointless. i made it out of bed and into the office, plugged in my laptop, and made it through ~2 hour long exam. when my committee told me i had passed, i felt happy again. to celebrate, we went to a cinnamon roll shop downtown for a quick snack and coffee break. and in that moment, i felt exactly how you felt; how can i be happy and celebrating on a day like this.... it's wild, and i felt selfish. i had waited anxiously for november 6 to come, but i didn't expect it to be for this reason.
Oh gosh, what an awful situation and timing. I'm so sorry, and also, I can't imagine what either of you was feeling at that moment—for you to be so excited about your candidacy exam and her to be trying to hold that excitement for you while reeling from the results. And of course the meaning of everything changes when you hear them. That's how I felt/have been feeling too. And it comes in waves of fear and anger and everything else.
Thank you for sharing this, because it really has been so weird to balance even still and I know it's not going to get easier. I'll be having a good day then hear something new that scares me, I'll have to push it away to concentrate, loose myself for a little bit, and then remember again. It's very very stressful but I think we're doing all we can from an emotional standpoint. We have to give ourselves the strength to be able to fight and push forward when we need to, and to accommodate that, be able to rest and isolate when needed. I don't think there's any right answer. We're just doing our best. Thank you again for sharing and congratulations on passing your exam!! You should still be so very proud and excited. 🖤
All of this. And if you walked by someone gesticulating wildly and sobbing on the phone to their mom, oh yeah, that was me.🖤
ugh, same. 😭 🫶
I feel this on so many levels. I appreciate you sharing. 🤍
I appreciate you sharing so I know I'm not alone!! It's such a weird feeling still but I really appreciate knowing I'm not alone in it. 🖤
the morning of november 6, I woke up happy because that was the day my PhD candidacy exam was scheduled for. i spent weeks preparing for it; i studied hard and worked hard, feeling proud and confident about my research. this exam is a big deal, and passing it is considered a huge milestone in my PhD program. i rolled over to my girlfriend in bed and told her 'i'm happy, today i'll become a candidate'. she smiled, but i could tell something was wrong. she had already seen the news and was trying her hardest not to bring it up. after i found out, nothing else mattered. i totally forgot what the point of my exam was and i suddenly didn't feel nervous or even worried about what would happen if i fail. in that instance, everything just seemed pointless. i made it out of bed and into the office, plugged in my laptop, and made it through ~2 hour long exam. when my committee told me i had passed, i felt happy again. to celebrate, we went to a cinnamon roll shop downtown for a quick snack and coffee break. and in that moment, i felt exactly how you felt; how can i be happy and celebrating on a day like this.... it's wild, and i felt selfish. i had waited anxiously for november 6 to come, but i didn't expect it to be for this reason.
Oh gosh, what an awful situation and timing. I'm so sorry, and also, I can't imagine what either of you was feeling at that moment—for you to be so excited about your candidacy exam and her to be trying to hold that excitement for you while reeling from the results. And of course the meaning of everything changes when you hear them. That's how I felt/have been feeling too. And it comes in waves of fear and anger and everything else.
Thank you for sharing this, because it really has been so weird to balance even still and I know it's not going to get easier. I'll be having a good day then hear something new that scares me, I'll have to push it away to concentrate, loose myself for a little bit, and then remember again. It's very very stressful but I think we're doing all we can from an emotional standpoint. We have to give ourselves the strength to be able to fight and push forward when we need to, and to accommodate that, be able to rest and isolate when needed. I don't think there's any right answer. We're just doing our best. Thank you again for sharing and congratulations on passing your exam!! You should still be so very proud and excited. 🖤
it is definitely hard to concentrate when scary things are happening at the same time. i wish you strength in these scary times <3 and thank you!