Is it selfish to find joy when the world feels like it’s on fire?

when eating a bagel in Central Park feels like a radical act of defiance

I won’t get too into it, because people like

Clara

in today’s post or

Hannah Connolly

and

eliza mclamb

have already done a great job of that. But to say I felt panicked by the election results would be understatement. Devastated doesn’t even begin to cover it. Try appalled. Try disappointed. Try are you out of your minds how did we let this happen? I guess you could say, America, you’ve let me down.

Furthermore, walking around Manhattan the day after proved to be just as strange an experience. Because it was anything but. All around me, New Yorkers hustled on as they always do. Their lives uninterrupted, just carrying on as if half the country hadn’t enthusiastically voted to strip away their rights. I expected outrage or at least to overhear people talking it through with their mom or therapist. Instead, I saw someone shouting “white power” while holding a homemade Trump sign. I heard people chatting through their weekend plans like nothing had happened. I saw indifference and exhaustion on the faces I passed. Sure, there were a few eye rolls at the white power guy, but hey, this is NYC; what do you expect? All around me, people were just living their lives. And the truth is, outwardly, so was I.

I was in the city on vacation, and waking up Wednesday morning had me feeling trapped between not wanting to act like everything was fine and also feeling like I needed to act like everything was fine. I felt caught between wanting to respect my devastation, honor my (many) concerns, and also eat pizza and enjoy the day. But was it ok to want these things when democracy was crumbling? Wasn’t it selfish to enjoy a bagel when the world was burning around me? How could I justify walking the High Line and dreaming about my first Van Leeuwen ice cream when more than half the country had voted against the beliefs and protections that keep me and my loved ones safe? I don’t know. But I ate the pizza. I stopped for chocolate cake. I tried to enjoy the day. I felt guilty about it the whole time.

I don’t have the solution, if you’re wondering. Not even close. I just wanted you to know that if you feel this way too, you’re not alone. Or maybe, selfishly, I just want to know that I’m not alone. Because it still feels weird. All of it. Grocery shopping, Christmas decorations, weekend plans, it all feels like denial. Like I’m doing the wrong thing or becoming complacent. I don’t think I’m complacent, but do these actions say otherwise? I’ve spent the last week consumed by this worry.

I chastise myself for not GOTV like I did with the 2018 Midterms, for not being more involved. I’m upset with myself that I’ve had to seriously limit my news intake, only consuming Pod Save America and the BBC’s Tortoise news and sometimes, honestly, even skipping those. Because I want to be part of the solution, if that’s even an option anymore. It’s just I also feel exhausted. And lost. And defeated. And I don’t know how much more struggling on the country’s behalf I can take before I break. There is so much in my own life that requires my endless anxiety that giving it away when it feels like no one cares and none of it matters is not just depressing, it’s completely demoralizing. I did GOTV all those years ago. I did try and have the hard conversations with friends and family. I did stay informed. I did eat, breathe, and sleep politics at one point. It didn’t matter. We’re still here.

I don’t know what the right answer is. I don’t even want to think about what will happen come January. I feel so much and I don’t know where to put it anymore. I don’t know how we got here. I don’t know why this happened. I don’t know how to solve it. I just know I have to find that line between trying to be happy and not suffering for the sake of it, while staying active and engaged and fighting for what I believe is right. Not giving up.

Some days that might be in small ways — listen to the podcast, have those tough conversations, speak up about the things that matter, and maybe others, like the 2026 midterms, it will mean re-joining GOTV efforts. I don’t know. I just know, we’re in trouble, and yet, it’s also just business as usual.