the price of being a hopeless romantic

on 'Adelaide' (the book), toxic relationships, and that gorgeous contractor from my mom's house

I’ve been thinking a lot about this book I just finished, Adelaide. If you haven’t read it, that’s ok. Here’s a quick synopsis:

Does he respond to texts? Honor his commitments? Make advance plans? Sometimes, rarely, and no, not at all. But when he shines his light on her, the world makes sense, and Adelaide is convinced that, in his heart, he’s fallen just as deeply as she has. Then, when Rory is rocked by an unexpected tragedy, Adelaide does everything in her power to hold him together—even if it means losing herself in the process.

When love asks too much of us, how do we find the strength to put ourselves first?

With unflinching honesty and heart, this relatable debut from a fresh new voice explores grief and mental health while capturing the timeless nature of what it’s like to be young and in love—with your friends, with your city, and with a person who cannot, will not, love you back.

-Goodreads

I finished this book last night after a marathon read. While it was tempting to take advantage of a rare night alone by watching the Golden Girls marathon on Hallmark, (Happy birthday Betty White) I instead cozied up with some tea, a little dinner, and Adelaide. What fascinated me is that I seemed to enjoy it more when read it at length like that. Previously I’d been reading it in 45-minute bursts before dinner, or with twenty minutes to spare before bed, a race against the heaviness of my eyelids, but last night, reading it straight through is where I found it truly shined. Despite being such a heavy read, that full immersion of being thrust into her world through tragedy after tragedy brought it to life.

It was beautifully done.

I kept trying to figure out why I couldn’t get it out of my head, to the point I found myself working it into a conversation with a stranger earlier today, and I think it’s because of how very much of myself, and the boys I’ve loved (or thought I loved) I saw in it. I’m not spoiling anything by telling you that the fraught relationship Adelaide has with her not-boyfriend boyfriend, Rory, is something I can easily, embarrassingly, relate to.

And I ached for her.

I think that’s why some people had a hard time with this book. You either see yourself in it or you don’t. You were either the girl baking cupcakes for the boy who couldn’t be bothered to text you back, or you were the best friend begging them to move on.

Unfortunately, I was always the Adelaide.

—

I don’t like to talk about the first time I fell in love because I have no idea when it happened. I’ve always believed love could have different levels, if you will. There is soulmate love, which I’ve only ever felt with my husband, but there is also young love, and immature love, and thank you for saving me love, and please love me love and a million other loves in between.

They all mean something. They all matter, in their way.

By that definition though, I wonder when the first time could have been. Was it when I saw Subway Guy with the piercing eyes and the unlimited supply of what at that time was the world’s best bread? Was it when that contractor walked into my mom’s house and we all nearly literally dropped our jaws at how gorgeous he was? What about my first boyfriend? My second? My third? How many boys did I say “I love you” too and never mean it? How many piercing eyes had I seen in my lifetime and had romcom-level thoughts of “maybe this is it?”

It’s terrible to be a hopeless romantic packed into a world filled with Rorys.

I see myself in Adelaide throughout my adolescence, it’s true. But I also see her in my twenties, far later than I’d like to admit. In the boy I gave too many chances. In the mistakes I made along the way. The excuses I made.

God, so many excuses.

In the end, it was a beautiful book because of just how much we felt for her. Because I wanted to hold her, and every Adelaide out there, and tell them it would be ok. That one day, not long from now you’ll find someone who loves you, quirks and all. You’ll be amazed at the way they not only accept you but bring out the weirdest, wildest, most uninhibited sides of you; and you’ll feel completely free to be that. Completely safe to be yourself.

I want to tell you that he wouldn’t be the Disney Prince you envisioned but maybe instead he’ll treat you like a princess. Better yet, like an equal.

That you will be happy.

—

As always I’m looking for more book recommendations so don’t hesitate to throw them at me! I’ve been waffling between Lily King’s ‘Writers and Lovers’ and Dolly Alderton ‘Ghosts’ both on Audiobook while I run, and am starting Bright Young Women by Jessica Knoll later today.

If you have any favorites in the Women’s Fiction space let me know! Some favorites last year were: Really Good, Actually, The Rachel Incident, I Have Some Questions For You, Lessons In Chemistry, and Maame. I love a good twenty something coming of age!