To All The Friends I've Loved Before: 05

An intimacy that never left, a closeness we’ll never recover.

To All The Friends I’ve Loved Before is a collection of unsaid promises to the people who have meant the most. The friends I’ve lost, the relationships I’ve ruined, the unspoken words between two people who never had a chance.

Photo by Jeremy Thomas on Unsplash

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It’s subtle though.

The flick of your eyelashes, the curve of your smile. Warm eyes and the chill of the rain. Stale smoke, weathered Chucks, worn leather, deep inhale.

in

and out

You’re staring back at me, gold flecks, tired smile, relieved, or maybe, resigned. It shouldn’t have bothered me, but I haven’t heard that melody in so long. You, singing it back to me, low whisper, just below the surface, softer and softer until—

A niche song, your song, our song, you weren’t supposed to see that. Long drives, landmark on the highway, didn’t you go to school here? Yes, but I was so lonely without you.

Bright lights, loud music, hair in your eyes. This is a big deal, one for the books. I know, I know, that’s why I’m here.

Now I’m waiting for you at the bus stop, old phone, cold air, duct tape on the seats. My fault, your words, pushed to the edge. Do you know how much it hurts when you look at me like that, yell at me like that, turn away from me like that? I don’t deserve you, you told me so. Cold voice, frail body, why am I like this?

You’re slipping, slipping, slipping, and I already know—

Kind eyes, unanswered calls, read receipt on. I’m sorry, maybe next time. Patched jackets, Marlboro Reds, lattes at noon. We never did know what we were doing.

You don’t want to be caught.

That voice, your hair, his jacket, that look. Bright Eyes, Relient K, emo with a twist. Handwritten, heartfelt, tangled regrets. I’m sorry I blew it all up.

Scour the rubble, search for pieces of us. Proof of a time when we carved our memories into the sand and the pebbles, in broken windows and bookends, popcorn, and the openness of the sky. Of long, winding roads, trailers, and secret passages. Of you and me and laughter and parking lots and getting kicked out at 2am.

Things I’ll never say, words I hope you hear. Feelings I’ll never get back, memories you don’t want to remember. Youth and nostalgia, and all the feelings that never go away. An intimacy that never left, a closeness we’ll never recover.

Night sky, I’m leaving tomorrow, I wish you would stay. When will you learn, I probably never will. I wish, I wish, I wish.

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