To All The Friends I've Loved Before: 08

Drake and Josh, Blink-182, habits I'll never let go

To All The Friends I’ve Loved Before is a collection of unsaid promises to the people who have meant the most. The friends I’ve lost, the relationships I’ve ruined, the unspoken words between two people who never had a chance.

Photo by Bruce Mars from Freerange Stock

I’m starting with you because you’re the first person I can remember disappointing.

TV in the corner, Mates of State, box of nail polish to the side. Bright colors, pale complexion, your hair never the same.

I wish you’d kept it blonde.

2 a.m., loft bed, I swear I’ll never tell. Drake and Josh, VHS, you have to see this one. It’s so precarious how I’ve put it all together; boxes stacked on books stacked on frail little structures. Mattress thrown on top, all I ever wanted was to be like them. And you thought it was so cool.

Now we’re howling with laughter, Josh as the Weatherman and why don’t they see? I’m forcing everyone to watch this silly show, this kids show, not because it’s funny (it is) or because Drake is so hot (why is he so hot??), but because you love it.

And so, I love it, too.

100-capacity CD holder, your handwriting etched across my tapes, your habits engrained in my routine, I’ll never be the same after you. Mall trips, Chick-Fil-A, god these waffle fries are so good. Fork down, dressing on the side, dip it as you go. Long drives, Summer in the suburbs, diet coke, always with the straw. Pick me up, no headlights, our spot, he’s not worth it.

I’d never had a friend like you. Patient, and kind, and so full of things I didn’t yet understand. You know, I never did stop eating salads that way.

Away messages, don’t tell, I’m sorry your cousin doesn’t like me. Midnight, parking lots, always right there when I need you.

“Why did you play that?”

No hesitation.

“Because it made her laugh.”

And when the bed finally collapsed because all it really was, if you looked at it, just a mattress piled on top of boxes, just books, and rubbish, and the best of intentions, I still wasn’t ready to let it go.

Cookie dough, M&Ms, popcorn, who taught you how to do that? Blink-182, I hope your cousin is doing well, I miss you, miss you.

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