birthday thoughts

the original idea for my novel, the story I've always wanted to tell, and other birthday thoughts

Did you know that my novel was originally a series of vignettes? It’s true. The original manuscript was an homage to the people who had an impact on me and the stories they inspired me to tell.

Each chapter preserved a different memory that had left an imprint. Some of them were milestones by any measure — the first person to believe in me, friendships I’d loved and lost. But mostly they were small. The maintenance man who used to work at my apartment complex. My best friend and the way she taught me to eat salad. That mirror I shattered. That secret I kept.

Little things. Milestone of the person I’d become.

The idea took shape over four months until I sent the first pages to a friend who was also writing a book, and she blew the whole thing up.

Thank goodness she did.

She pinpointed one story and said, “I think this is the one you really want to tell.”

And she was right.

That one comment changed everything. It sparked the novel I’ve written today. While heavily fictionalized, it’s taken the core of that feeling I was trying to get at, and allowed me to discover and uncover themes and layers I didn’t even know were there.

It’s no longer the story of the person that inspired it, though there are hints of that. But it still holds the kernels of that very first draft—the one where I just wanted to pay tribute to the people who have made me.

It is, as all my writing is, a way to memorialize the memories I love to live in.

I’ve continued to do that through this Substack, initially with something called Little Vignettes and most recently with To All The Friends I’ve Loved Before. They’re my favorite love letters to write, because they’re the ones I’d never be able to say out loud.

Which brings me to this.

Today is my birthday.

And it’s the first birthday that’s felt both meaningless and significant at the same time. It’s a milestone, of sorts, but it’s also meaningless in the face of everything else I’ve been feeling.

I spoke recently about this mid-thirties identity crisis, and how, after spending close to a decade moving away from the person I was becoming, I essentially went back to her. How freeing that felt.

What I didn’t say, because it sounds absurd and embarrassing, is that for the first time in my life, I feel young. I’ve spent my life feeling old in just about every way. I’m the girl who always went to bed at 9:30pm, wrapped myself in a blanket in July, stole my grandmother’s oyster crackers and said things like “you really shouldn’t do that…”

I have been an 80 year old woman my whole life.

More than that, I’ve always been so serious. So sure of everything, especially the things I wasn’t sure about at all. I’ve always felt like I just needed to reach my goals and then…

and then, and then, and then.

Maybe it’s the new haircut, or the re-piercing of my nose. Maybe it’s working in the music industry and being forced to adapt to trends. Maybe it’s that I’m more active than I’ve ever been in my life. Or maybe I’m just reconnecting with that wide-eyed twenty-something I used to be and remembering that hey, she wasn’t so bad after all. I kind of liked her.

But for the first time, I feel young.

And so, this is a weird birthday. Because this year, I turn thirty-six. And that is undeniably closer to forty than thirty and that terrifies me. It’s hard to reconcile that number with the person I’m becoming.

It feels amazing. I feel excited about life and everything it has to offer in a way I haven’t in nearly a decade. This isn’t to say I’m not harboring my share of stresses and anxieties. There are a lot of them. But they’re co-existing now. And maybe that’s the secret to growing up.

I just know that for the first time, I finally get what people mean when they say that thing that I always hated, that never made any sense, that I always swore I would never ever say.

You’re only as old as you feel.

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A few other updates:

• I’ve hit 45k words of edits on this round for my novel, and my new goal is to be done by end of July. It’ll still require one more round, but we’re getting there. This is my most significant edit to date.

• I’ve been catching up on Season 3 of The Bear and I’m obsessed. Season One remains one of my favorite shows of all time, and I’m really enjoying this season so far. More on that soon.

• I did my very first tiny (tiny!) jump while horseback riding the other day and it made me feel so alive. I never thought I’d be taking lessons, nevermind doing jumps, (hops, really) no matter how small.

Talk soon,

Angela